A Pain in the Ass

First I was, then I wasn't, then I was, so here I am - writing about a pain in the ass. Ah, you all say, "Here it comes, things aren't as blissful as she would have us believe. She's going to tell us her true-love is really a pain in the ass." Or conversely, I'm supposed to tell you that I can be a pain in the ass. Which I can be, sometimes, but not now.
Well, you're wrong. I'm going to tell you that I had a pain in the ass. No, I did not get a divorce or otherwise poison my relatives. I actually had such a pain that I thought I would faint. I had this pain while sitting on the sofa, by myself, all alone at home and it lasted and lasted about 5 minutes. Five minutes is a very long time when you're, say, in labour or passing a kidney stone or being bitten by a dog or smashing your fingers with a hammer. By now, you know that 5 minutes is waaaay too long for a pain.
It went away.
I thought it must be that most unladylike of complaints: hemorrhoids.
It is not...........always.
Google is great. You can actually ask it: What are some causes of a pain in the ass? Just like that. No fancy medical terminology. Just calling a spade a spade.
Google says it is either PROCTALGIA FUGAX or LEVITOR ANI SYNDROME. So I had to look up all these words and parts of words and it is so much fun! ASS PAIN FLEETING or PELVIC MUSCLE PAIN SYNDROME. Can you believe it? Calling a pain in the ass an ass pain. Why not call measles 'little red dot disease'?
Imagine meeting Prince Charles and Camilla. "How's life been treating you?" "Well, I have proctalgia fugax." "You do? Congratulations!" as opposed to "How's life been treating you?" "Well, I have this huge pain in my ass..." and being whisked away by the protocol officer before you can warm up to your theme.
As much as it lends itself to not so tasteful jokes, not very many people admit this kind of pain to their doctors. Actually, there are a lot of sufferers and sometimes very good reasons for it. Still, it would have to get pretty awful before I'd tell my doctor; he's not always as serious as I'd like.  In the meantime, all the articles say that once everything has been ruled out, it is quite a little mystery. Ass secrets. Proctalgia fugax everyone!